A couple weeks ago I did my solo-backpacking trip in the Sawtooth Mountains. Before heading out on this trip, I was anxious and apprehensive for the mental challenges it would bring. The Sawtooth Mountains ultimately provided a safe escape from the struggles I have been facing with PTSD. With this diagnosis, I get triggered randomly which is very frustrating, overwhelming, and scary. At times, I am hypervigilant and get overstimulated very easily with large crowds of people and loud/unexpected noises. I was especially anxious to have a panic attack on the trail and not have anyone nearby to help me through it. The Sawtooth mountains are physically hard trails, but that was the last concern on my mind. I was prepared for the physical challenges unlike these new mental challenges.

Over the four days out on the trail one of the biggest struggles I faced was overcoming the thoughts running through my mind especially those “what if” questions. Here are just a few, “What if I get triggered on the trail and have no one to calm me down? What if after a panic attack and am too physically exhausted and weak to hike to the next lake? What if I hurt my knee again like I did this spring and cannot hike back to my car? What if I have a panic attack on the nine-hour drive home? What if I go home now, will I regret that…”

I tried to quit so many times this trip (every ten minutes or so), but my stubbornness wouldn’t allow it. I had to keep encouraging myself to get back up that it was just a “couple more miles.” I learned I had to slow my hiking pace and take extra breaks due to the mental exhaustion of all the thoughts running through my mind. I had to remind myself during breaks to sit down, deep breathe, eat a snack, and drink lots of water. These additional breaks and the gorgeous landscape helped lessen my anxiety. At each mountain peak, I was so incredibly astonished at the views which ultimately distracted me from thinking about my diagnosis of PTSD. I became increasingly calmer the further I hiked. I was presently surprised each night that I slept like a rock and felt so safe/comfortable sleeping. When I woke up each morning, I was shocked that my muscles, shoulders, back, and hips were not aching.

Each day, God worked on my character as I hiked. During one of the summits, He reminded me of moments He has been present in my life over the last few years. Moments when I felt invisible to Him. I felt these words spoken over me, “I was with you each night you cried yourself to sleep that first year as a nurse and wanted someone to protect you from having to go into work the next day. I was with you in the bathroom after that patient yelled into your ear so loud that your ears were still ringing a few minutes later. I was with you when your patients hit, kicked, bit, spit and yelled at you. I was with you when that patient threatened your life. I was there at night when you had those recurring nightmares. I was with you through your coworkers (nurses, therapy members, nurse aids, hospitalists, and surgeons) who were supportive and made you laugh even through the shifts that were extremely hard. I was with you when you were out hiking by the fire last September when you had your first big panic attack and sent the forestry crew to help you. I was present during your second big panic attack and those smaller ones after that. I am with you every time you get triggered. You have been fighting for so long Dear One, surrender all the trauma and pain you feel. I am hiking with you up this peak, I am fighting for you, protecting you, and making you WHOLE again.”

The day before I left for this trip my pastor’s sermon focused on, “Where God guides, He provides.” Each day, I saw examples of God’s provision. He provided the physical strength I needed to make it to each lake destination and then back to my car on the fourth day for a total of 33 miles. He provided the beauty of the mountains to calm my anxious spirit. He provided alpine lakes to cool me off after long days of hiking. He provided meals to keep me nourished. He provided people on the trail to speak words of inspiration. He also provided a song from my childhood to encourage me when my legs felt weak, and hopelessness was settling into my thoughts.

“Every move I make, I make in You, You make me move Jesus every breath I take, I breathe in you. Every step I take, I take in You, You are my way Jesus every breath I take, I breathe you in.  Singing: Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, (Hey) Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, (Hey) Na, Na, Na, Na, Na. Every move I make, I make in you, you make me move Jesus every breath I take, I breathe in you. Every step I take, I take in You, You are my way Jesus every breath you I take I breathe you in. Waves of mercy waves of grace everywhere I look I see your face Your Love has captured me, oh my God this Love how can it be? Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,(Hey) Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, (Hey) Na, Na, Na, Na, Na.”

I haven’t thought about this song in years, but God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. It motivated my legs to keep moving for my sunrise summit and ten-mile hike back to my car that forth morning. This camp song brought up memories of my sister and I singing/doing the hand motions at home years ago. I never knew the impact this song would have in my life, until now. I made it back to my car and could sense that I was not the same person who had left my car at the trailhead the four days prior. The girl who left my car was practically shaking from the fear of getting triggered and having a panic attack on the trail. I am the girl who continues to fight the urge to give up out of fear of my diagnosis of PTSD and panic attacks. I hope whoever may be reading this is encouraged to face your fears as well.