Flourish, as I have said before is my favorite word. Over these past several months, however, I haven’t enjoyed hearing it because the healing process has been slow. I had not been feeling like I was flourishing but rather stuck. Outside of counseling sessions, I’ve been trying to get back to being the “old Miriam” the one I think most people remember. She was abounding in smiles, laughter, joy, talkative energy, fearless, and more willing to place herself in situations outside her comfort zone. I have finally come to terms that I am no longer the same person I was before my trauma experiences. While in some ways, that girl is still here, some aspects of that girl have changed. These changes have been physical, emotional, and spiritual. The adventures that I’ve been experiencing recently have been more focused on the inner challenges of overcoming PTSD and flourishing into this “new Miriam” rather than just simply enjoying hiking trails. Although, I am still actively hiking each week!!!

Physically, these last couple months have been demanding. I have been doing some hiking but most importantly I began a new job (still NICU) at a different hospital mid-July. After a few weeks of dayshift orientation, I then transitioned into working nightshift. It has been quite the adjustment on my body as you can imagine. Switching back to working nightshift once again has made it more apparent that I need to prioritize not only my sleep but my motivation to get outside on my days off. To do that, I try to keep up with workouts, so I can tackle my favorite trails. Getting workouts in before work is rejuvenating and is also helping me to stay awake until my shift is over, and I safely return home in the morning. Yes, I said the morning (12-hour shifts: 1900-0730). Physically, I feel stronger and more energetic now than I did several months ago after receiving the news that I have PTSD. Upon receiving the diagnosis of PTSD, (I already knew I had it months before being diagnosed, but was in denial) I felt weak and was unable to motivate myself even to go hiking. Since the beginning of my nursing career, my body and mind had been attempting to cope with the trauma I have endured by becoming a physically strong woman. More recently though, I have been becoming stronger physically not as an unintentional coping strategy, but because I find it as an important part of balancing my body, emotions, and spirituality. Not only am I learning more about my physical health but my mental health as well.

Reaching out to ask for help has never come easily to me, but I have been learning I need to set my pride aside and simply ask. In January 2022, I left my first nursing job where I was physically and emotionally abused by patients. After leaving, I thought I could use coping skills (I had learned in counseling previously) to help me move on without having to get back into counseling. I was extremely wrong. It wasn’t until an entire year later that I started having panic attacks. This ultimately helped me come to terms with the fact that I needed to get professional help. On a snowy night this past March, I was driving home from my church’s small group when I was overcome with a feeling of needing to go back to counseling. I had called a trusted confidant to help keep me accountable to set up an appointment with my previous counselor. But even before I could get the words out, my body went into a panic attack (I didn’t realize it was a panic attack until the next morning when I had a “panic attack hangover”) and I could not focus on the road. I pulled over and was overcome with a sense of uncontrollable fear. From what I remember, I was terrified of reaching out to my previous counselor because I didn’t think she would remember me and was terrified to have previous recurring nightmares return. In an instant, these fears took over my body completely. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. My hands and entire body were shaking. I felt tense and was gripping my coat sleeve as if my life depended on it. I felt chilled even though the heat was turned on in my car. And to top it off, my head felt as if it was spinning out of control which made it hard for me to think clearly. I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened during that time. Weeks later, in my first session, my counselor pointed out to me that this particular night was the one-year anniversary since the recurring nightmares ended which could have been one contributing factors in getting triggered.

Since this experience, I have come to learn about dissociation in trauma. Dissociation is a way your mind tries to protect your body when coping with trauma. Your mind detaches you temporarily from reality and the immediate surroundings to fixate on the “threat.” I was reading the book, The Body Keeps the Score, during the first weeks of counseling and came across this quote that said, “as long as the trauma is not resolved, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself keep circulating and the defensive movements and emotional responses keep getting replayed… for people with PTSD a flashback can occur at any time, whether they are awake, or asleep. There is no way of knowing when it’s going to occur again or how long it will last”(A., Van der Kolk Bessel, 66). Which made me realize this had been happening every time I was getting triggered.

As I have been learning, the body and mind are so connected. The amygdala is responsible for telling the body that you are in danger like an internal alarm. In a person who has experienced trauma, no matter if that person is in a harmful situation, the amygdala is, “rewired to interpret certain situations as life-threatening danger, and it sends urgent signals to her survival brain to fight, freeze, or flee…if your smoke detector malfunctions, you cannot trust the accuracy of your perceptions”(A., Van der Kolk Bessel, 267). Which explains why mindfulness or reminding my brain of the present moment has been essential in my healing journey. After the trauma I endured, I started unintentionally living in a state of hypervigilance. This means, being constantly on alert for any situation or any person that could be threatening. I typically feel tense and on edge in public places and consistently have to remind myself that I am “SAFE.” Even after months of counseling, I still am learning about my emotions and how past trauma can influence them. Throughout counseling, I’ve learned a lot about mindfulness, grounding techniques, progression relaxation techniques, and pain/peace cycles which all have been helpful in this healing journey. Counseling has also brought healing into my spiritual life as well.

Spiritually, I’d been struggling this past year and felt as if God was suddenly silent. I wasn’t feeling as connected to Christ like I had when I was directly amid the abuse. I wrote this earlier this year when I felt frustrated,

“Fear. It has a way of captivating and consuming my joy, swallowing my laugher and sparkle. Fear of panic attacks. Fear of past trauma and the abuse from hospitalized patients. Fear of men attempting to hurt me physically and emotionally. Fear of failure. Fear of being perceived as “weak” compared to other nurses who have that “thick nursing skin.” Why does fear consume my life?? I have no answers—- all I have are questions. Why can I not fully trust Jeremiah 29:11 when I’ve been hurt? Was that part of God’s plan? I resight this verse over and over but find it hard to believe that God has a plan for all this pain that I have been through.” 

Attending church, small group nights, and keeping up with my devotional and prayer journal during this time was challenging. But doing so brought some comfort into my life especially when my life felt out of control. Now, I feel more at peace in my relationship with Christ. I truly believe my life is and has always been in His hands. During my backpacking trip this summer, He reminded me of all the times that He was present even when I couldn’t see Him. My counselor recently encouraged me to write a letter to the “old Miriam” as the “new Miriam” and this is just a snippet of what I wrote,

“My dear Miriam (Old and New), you are truly loved by Jesus Christ. You are important, cherished, and loved by those surrounding you. You are not weak but are strong to have gone through the assaults and abuse you endured. You did not deserve that kind of treatment and are not responsible for the actions of others. You are not defined by your diagnosis, but who you are in Christ. Your joy and sparkle will return. Your will and determination to overcome this struggle of PTSD is going to inspire so many even though you feel ashamed of it right now. You are brave and courageous for realizing that you needed help and reached out to start counseling again. You are making great progress even though it feels slow. I know you are frustrated but be patient and give it time. Give yourself some grace for everything you have gone through. Reject the false guilt and shameful feelings because they are not from God. You are worthy to be loved and to feel love.”

I hope that this gives encouragement to those struggling to find hope in Christ. He is present. He hears and He cares for you. Even through all the “mess” in my life, I truly believe there is a time and a season for everything as it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. I am continuously learning God has a plan even when I cannot see or understand it. And I am learning to detect what His unconditional love and care looks like through the people surrounding me. A flourished life is what you make of it, Now, and not when you “think” you’ll be happy or fulfilled. Go live life moment by moment.

Citations:

A., Van der Kolk Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2015.